I accidentally had phone sex last night
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Drunk is not a location!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
