you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
