Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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