I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I could have mohawked her pubes.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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