just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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