i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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