I met the friendliest cop last night
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
