you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i think i just lost a toe
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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