he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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