Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
