; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
