I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
