I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
