im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
