Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
