Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
