This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
