In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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