his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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