btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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