He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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