My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
