I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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