U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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