I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
