i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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