listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
