i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
