Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
