I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
