I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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