Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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