Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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