He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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The beers last night were like the tears from god
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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