I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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