On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
