life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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