In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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