The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
