my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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