he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
