Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
