my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
be right there i have to get my cape
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
