why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
