I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
