dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
