On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
