a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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