FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
