Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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