Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
