dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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